How to connect with someone you find "difficult"?

A coaching client recently made the assumption that, because I trained as a coach and psychotherapist, that I’m some kind of zen person who never gets irritated or upset by anyone. My husband can attest to the fact I’m not at all like that! 🤭

𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁. I have coached some people who I have felt irritated by and I have facilitated workshops with some people whose reactions I have perceived as disruptive, negative, or aggressive for example. Before reacting, here’s 3 things I might reflect on:

💭𝟏: 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 “𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱” 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗿𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗯𝗲𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝘂𝗿?

People don’t usually act randomly. They are almost always trying to get their needs met (such as praise, control, validation, attention) in the best way they know how. There may not be an obvious link between their actions and their needs so we need to get curious - what is it they really need? It’s usually not the obvious answer (although sometimes they may be Hangry!).

💭𝟐: 𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗿𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗯𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱?

We all carry our past with us wherever we go. Our early childhood experiences really shape how we view ourselves and the world, and can influence how we get our needs met in the present day. For example, perhaps to get attention as a child you had to throw a tantrum or perhaps you were only rewarded when you did things perfectly.

I can easily feel compassion for someone by imagining them as a little 5 year old child trying their very best to be good, helpful, loveable etc. By doing that I am therefore feeling compassion for the adult in front of me because that little child is always there inside of them.

💭𝟑: 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗶𝗻 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘂𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝘂𝘀?

All relationships are a continual meeting of worlds. All my emotional baggage meets all of yours and we perceive each other through the lenses of our past.

For example, my perception of a stretching learning environment is your version of being set up to fail when being a failure was never OK for you. Your version of stating important boundaries to keep yourself safe goes against my values of being flexible and accommodating. We trigger things in each other without even realising it.

⚡𝗢𝘂𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗮 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲

My daughter turned 5 last week and I do wonder what unhelpful patterns I’ve created in her that will come out in her future adult interactions! But the reality is we can’t get through life without creating some kinds of patterns to cope with our environment. When we were 5, they were the only thing possible at the time and that was OK! Now we are adults, we have more agency to get curious (not furious) and take a step back to reflect and choose our response.

P.S. Kudos to my mum for making this excellent cake for my 5th birthday!