Are you in a conversation cul-de-sac?

I was speaking with a very good friend recently about some of the challenges he was facing when I noticed a conversation pattern happening between us. He would ask for my opinion, which I’d give, and then he’d tell me why my opinion wasn’t relevant in his situation. Then we’d go round again and do the same pattern. We were stuck in a conversation cul-de-sac.

How often does this happen in your conversations or team meetings? For example:

👉 You generally bring the positivity or “silver linings” when people talk about difficulties

👉 One person in a team is always the first to respond to a question

👉 The team leader often dismisses or minimises concerns quickly

👉 Two team members always support each others’ ideas

And how often do you just let the conversation roll on, perhaps because you haven’t noticed it or because you don’t know how to address it?

When I trained as a Gestalt therapist we were constantly learning how to shuttle backwards and forwards between being “present in” the conversation and “observing” the conversation. And then finding a way to share what we noticed in a non-threatening way that evokes curiosity. For example:

👉 “I notice I often say XYZ and you often respond with ABC. What do you make of that?”

👉 “I notice in this team, some voices are heard more than others. What do you notice?”

You don’t have to have a “solution” - simply sharing what you notice allows others to see a different perspective. That in itself might be enough to shift something, or it might lead to you creating a solution together.

A nice cold beer...

Back to my friend...

I told him what I was noticing about our conversation and to be honest we had a good laugh about it at first, probably helped by the beer we were drinking! But we then got a bit deeper into what was causing us to create this pattern together…

• Did he want to validate his own internal story that his challenges weren’t his fault and that there was nothing he could do? (see the “yes but” game in Transactional analysis)

• Did I want to be the saviour who helped him find the magic solution so I could feel good about myself? (see the “rescuer” in the Drama triangle)

It’s probably a bit of both, but just talking about that pattern led to us having a different kind of conversation. The pace slowed down and he shared more of how he actually felt, what really mattered to him and what he was afraid of. I found myself truly connecting with him, standing in his shoes and empathising, rather than just hearing his words and treating him as a problem to be solved.

For both of us the conversation was more meaningful and brought new insights. We wouldn’t have got there without noticing the conversation cul-de-sac we’d got ourselves into.

💡 So I guess my offer is to make time to notice the patterns in your conversations and meetings. Just stepping out for a moment to observe the conversation is all it takes to get a different perspective. Sharing your perspective with others makes it easier to shift the pattern. Why don't you see what happens in your next conversation?